Rip Off The Band Aid

I have had my fair share of relationships okay? And you know what I've learned, the hard way I might add. I've learned that you can't jusy prolong a break up. By that I mean, telling the person I want to break up, or I think we need a 'break'. You know why you shouldn't do this? Because that's when they stick it to you. They try to feed you a basket of lies with chocolate chip cookies. Your falling, not only for the cookies, but for those pathetic lies too! And you know what the worst part is? The lies, get to you because of GUILT! Ugh I hate guilt, when I say guilt I mean the thoughts that fly into your head.

Thoughts like, "Oh well he(or she) needs me", "We've been through soo much", "I think he might do something crazy"....And the lies that they tell you are these, "But I can make this better". No you can't. Number one lie: "I love you so much". Well you sure have an odd way of showing it. "I've done so much for you". No that was me helping you. "I thought we were going to get married?" Not anymore. And it's sad cause we fall for this bullshit, at least I do, and those lies were fed to me, AND the guilt took over. Why waste precious time on losers? Why give someone your all when you don't get theirs in return?

If your unhappy they obviously aren't doing it for you. For instance if your really not into it anymore, you can't, well you shouldn't, try to make it work. A relationship shouldn't be like that. You shouldn't have to 'make it work' it just should, in my opinion at least.

I have done this before. It gets old so fast, and you only further your unhappiness by doing it. Haha. I hate it. Why can't men and women just let go? Get over it. See ya, bye bye, FINALLY! I mean I understand that you 'love' that person but sometimes you can't get the 'fairy tale wedding'. I don't want one anyways; every fairy tale ends at some point right? Haha.

Matter of fact, I'm in one of those dammed relationships at the moment. It is ridiculous. I wish I could just say, "We're not compatible, I think it's best if we go our seperate ways." But no. I can't do that, well I can, but I won't. So upsetting to hold on to something that's not even worth it. What's wrong with us people that have this problem? Hm? I always try to find the 'good' in people. But what if the bad beats the good? Hopefully soon I can rip off this itchy, sticky, annoying band aid.

And if you have answers, or even opinions, to the questions I've asked, PLEASE feel free to state them (:
I could use some advice.

read more...

Hard Love

First off, Hard Love is a book that I read.
I was randomly looking through books at the Salvation Army, and what do you know? I find a book that's one of those books that's a page turner, the kind you read until your eyes can't take it anymore. Mhm, this book had my attention. The reason I wanted to write about this book was at the end, there were lyrics to a song, Hard Love. I'm not sure what the reason is but I really like these lyrics (:
So here they are.

Hard Love.
Lyrics by, Bob Franke.


I remember growing up like it was only yesterday,
Mama and Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way.
But the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away,
And the only love I knew about was hard love.

It was hard love, every hour of the day.
When Christmas to my birthday was a million years away,
And the fear that came between them drove the tears
into my play,
There was love in Daddy's house, but it was hard love.

And I recall the gentle courtesy you gave me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside.
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried,
This ain't no easy week-end, this is hard love.

It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle
sense of shame,
And I loved you for you laughter and your language
and your name,
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love.

It was hard love, it was hard on you I know,
When the only love I gave to you was love I couln't show.
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover
turned to go,
Leaving nothing but the memory if hard love.


So I'm standing in the phone booth with a dollar and a dime,
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
For the Lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just
wastes our time,
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game,
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love.


So that's it. I'm not sure why I feel close to these lyrics.
I mean I have a few guesses, but I'll have to think into it more.
I'm sure I'll write about how I feel connected to this in another
blog thing.

Maybe some of you can relate to these lyrics, and smile about it like me.
What I like to remember is that love is never wasted, even when it's
hard love. (:

read more...

Afraid Of The What-If's

What if I don't get that job? What if I don't get a new car? What if he cheats on me? What if I'm pregnant? What if, what if can go on forever. Now who in their right mind can live life and think about those what ifs? Well I know someone just like that. Let's call him, James, like James Bond. Mkay, so James sits there and all he wonders about, well I'm sure that's not all he wonders about, but anyway he let's those stinky little what if's effect him in every aspect of life. For some examples, well if I go to the war, what if I die? What if you find someone else, what if you forget about me? What if, what if. Geez, I really can not stand those what ifs. Say I give this 100%, what if you let me down, what if you grow up, what if you realize I'm not what you want, once again. My goodness I don't know how one person can sit there and think about all the what if's that are possible. I know it might just be being cautious, I am very cautious. Sometimes however, you've got to be optimistic, have faith, and just simply let go. Take a leap. Try it ya know? I mean if I need something from someone and I sit there and think, well what if they say no? Then they say no. Same concept as I don't like seafood, ever had it? No.... Well how do you know you don't absoultely love it then? I don't know. Well TRY IT! But I'm just saying. I can go on forever and think about the what ifs. For James sadly I think it's holding up his life, really I think that's what it is. It's just my opinion though. I feel like he might be scared. Of what? I'm not sure exactly. Maybe he thinks he's not good at anything, maybe it's hard for him to want to get on with his life. Maybe he still wishes to be a kid. Who knows? I don't. One thing I've tried telling poor James, is that you can't just think about the what ifs. You need to understand and except that everything you want in life is not going to happen or turn out how you think it should. I've accepted it, I deal with it because I have to. Life has proven to be in my very short time of living that you can't always get what you want, or thing's don't always go according to plan. I want to help him with that. But he just doesn't know how to take advice and say thanks. I understand people, most the time have to do things on their own to understand this stuff, I'm one of them, you tell me advice I'll keep it in mind then find out for myself. See that's why I want to help him, cause I dealt with it and it's not fun nor easy. BUT, BUT, BUT I am thankful I did do it myself and not just listen to the advice, it's made me who I am today, in some ways. Hm, should I just let him make all these bad mistakes? Well I don't know. I wish there was something I can do to get those what ifs out of his mind. We'll see how it goes. I just don't want him, or anybody really, to let life slip by, just because of the what ifs.

read more...

The Sister I've Always Had And Never Wanted.

You see, I always hear people say how they are so fortunate to have a sister older, younger, not much a difference. I have yet to be able to say that, and highly doubt I will be able to in this lifetime. I have a sister 'older' depending on how some people look at 'age'. I believe she is very young as far as her soul, her mind, just everything. Although technically she's seven years older then myself. If I had a choice, would I have chosen this exact human being? No, I wouldn't have. My 'sister', I honestly feel embarssed to even acknowledge that she is my family, my blood. You can think whatever thoughts your thinking, I don't blame you. When I hear or read, I guess you'd say, someone speaking badly of their family I always wonder how can someone think that way about their own flesh and blood. Well I do not, okay I rarely, think that these days. My sister, let's give her a name, Cruella, that's right Cruella Deville, I'm tired of this 'sister' stuff. Hm, where was I? Before I take you back, back in time that is. Let me express my version of what I always heard of what a sister, sister relationship was like. Being able to share clothes, talk about boys, shopping together, giving each other make-overs, etc. Things like that.


Our first 'sisterly' moment I was, I'm going to say maybe two years of age. Cruella thought it'd be humorous if she fed me poop. Yes, my own feces. I know, being only two I am most likely not to recall this sad, sad experience, which I thankfully do not! But overall it happened. Now for what reasons would your sibling want to do that? A joke? Ha ha ha. So comical. Anyways, back to what I was saying, another traumatizing experience would be when I was four or five years old. This particular situation I do remember. To this day Cruella will not admit to what I know she did. I was sexually abused by her. Mkay, not her actually but dammit she was there, and she made it happen. I know, I know. Wow, oh my gosh, you poor thing. Actually I don't really know if that's how you or anyone would react, but still. Thanks but no thanks, I do not want your sympathy. I just need to get my thoughts out of this overloading brain of mine. Haha.


Cruella has never, and I mean never been happy. She's always been the black sheep out of the five kids. Frankly, I could care less. She's not just the normal kinda bully. Cruella is far more advanced then that. Even now that were older she still must find ways to sabotage my life. She was gone for five or so years, but she came back. Damn, what a mistake THAT was mama. I'll give the short version. Cruella, problems with family. Mama, com move in with us. My goodness, within about one month BOOM, she's here. Good greif I knew it when she first stepped foot into my house, it was going to be diasterous. Her unhappiness starts with her boyfriend. What a sour, sour apple he is. Then her job, well I guess I should say the job she got fired from. Her pills. Numerous medications she takes daily. Which consits of anti-aniexty, anti-depressients, sleep aides, pain killers (for what injury would that be?) and many more that are hard to understand. So anyways she comes into the house, her and my mother dislike each other enough already, and gee wizz why would you allow her to move in?!?!?! Hm. So she tries to turn my mother against my boyfriend, my brothers against my boyfriend. Only one out of the three turned. :/ Cruella purposely acts like the devil to my younger brother, whom has to deal with enough bullshit. Not only do they move in, they take over the house. She makes every little thing hers. Now Cruella has made me and my brother disappear (with my father). My mother went to jail for five days. The whole family, is a fucking wreck. Believe it or not there's more, I just stated the most recent events that have taken place. All of this, because of her. Hopefully karma will catch up with her one day. But when you think your sister's bad, just because she stole your favorite skirt or something small, I hope my words come into mind and you think twice of how your sister CAN be.

read more...